“Cancer ghosting” is when people whom you thought would be around and offer support suddenly … [+]
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Few people would say, “Gee, I really would like to be ghosted.” That’s under any circumstances, let alone when they have cancer. But visit discussion forums like Reddit, Quora, and Mayo Clinic Connect, and you’ll see how “cancer ghosting” is quite common and has made the tough, tough, tough experience of many cancer patients all the more difficult.
What Is ‘Ghosting’?
Now, in this case, ghosting doesn’t mean that someone yells “boo,” floats around the room howling or keeps wearing a bed sheet when around you. The term “ghosting” is most often used in the context of a romantic relationship, when someone suddenly ceases communication with you without any real explanation or warning, as I’ve described in “A Funny Bone to Pick” for Psychology Today. But you can be ghosted by others such as your friends, family members and colleagues in other relationship contexts as well. Basically, ghosting means the other person behaves like a ghost, fading away without much discussion, perhaps never to appear again. And in most cases, this doesn’t refer to a friendly ghost like Casper.
No, in a romantic situation, for example, a person may ghost you rather than explaining, “Hey, I don’t want to date you anymore”, “I’ve found someone else” or “I have the sexual loyalty of a rabbit.” This can leave you disappointed, hurt, confused and wondering what really happened. It can also leave you in an operational and financial what-do-you-do-now bind if you depended on the ghoster in any way such as making any future plans with him or her.
Cancer Ghosting Can Make A Bad Experience Much Worse
Take all these things up multiple worse levels and you’ve got the potential impact of cancer ghosting. Obviously, cancer isn’t one of those just-walk-it-off sort of things. The diagnosis itself can flip your world upside down in oh so many ways. And the work-up, treatment and other aftermath can be so complex and far-reaching in so many ways. If ever you needed others in your life for emotional support, sounding boards to discuss options, help with logistics and other, you know, friend-like things, this would be the time. Yet, it is also a time when some or many people may go poof.
For example, @chateau posted on Mayo Clinic Connect: “I was diagnosed with colon cancer 6 weeks ago and I have noticed that many of my ‘friends’ have disappeared.” The 38-year-old added the following about what had been her two “closest” friends: “Their initial reactions were normal and they said if they could do anything for me let them know. All I asked is that we have tea or a walk this week and neither have even looked at my message. They didn’t even wish me well for the operation. It’s very hard to take as I was expecting visits or at least calls.”
Later on in the post, @chateau wrote, “I am very sad. I realize I need new friends and I don’t even know where to begin. I would never ignore a friend ever never mind one going through a battle with cancer. I am shocked.” The post concludes with, “I think I am really good company. I think when I don’t have this that some friends see no value in me. Can’t believe it.”
As another example, Natasha Carlson described on the Cure website, how experiencing cancer ghosting was “one of the most painful parts of the entire cancer experience for me. Losing my breasts was hard. Losing my close friend of 22 years…was not something that I had even remotely thought might happen.”
The number of posts out there about cancer ghosting shows that this isn’t just an occasional thing. In fact, some of the posts mention the results of an informal poll conducted by War on Cancer: 65% of respondents reported suffering cancer ghosting from their friends or relatives after they got diagnosed with cancer. That’s well over half.
There Are Many Reasons For Cancer Ghosting
Some people lack the capacity to truly think about anyone besides themselves. (Photo: Getty)
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Cancer ghosting can come off as selfish and cruel, and rightly so. And people in general don’t think, “I really want to seem like a $!@&$ to my friends.” Plus, those who ghost you have gotta realize that they may be effectively ending their friendships or any future possibilities with you.
So, why then do people cancer ghost? Well, it can be very hard to tell for each given ghoster, since ghosting also means that the person does not provide an honest explanation or even any explanation for his or her disappearance. But here are some possibilities:
- They never really cared about you in the first place. This is the big “P” parasite possibility where they associated with you previously mainly to gain something personally or professionally. When you’re in a weakened state, you may no longer be able to offer such benefits.
- They are inherently self-centered and lack empathy.
- They may feel overwhelmed and unable to assist you. Dealing with their own issues, they may see helping you as adding more stress to their already hectic lives.
- They don’t want to face their own vulnerabilities. Witnessing your struggles serves as a reminder of their own mortality and fragility, which they may prefer to avoid.
- They are unsure how to offer support. Fear of saying or doing the wrong thing leads them to do nothing, leaving you feeling neglected.
Regardless of the reason for being ghosted, it is not your responsibility to understand their actions. Ghosting reflects a deficiency in the ghoster, not in you.
How To Deal With Cancer Ghosting
The best approach to cancer ghosting is to move on from those who have ghosted you. Consider whether you want these individuals in your life if they reappear. Focus on quality over quantity in friendships, as clearing out toxic relationships can make space for new, supportive connections.
Cancer ghosting can reveal true colors and help you identify who is truly there for you during difficult times. Surround yourself with those who genuinely support you, rather than those who only offer empty promises.
